Between Worlds

Our book club book for this past month was a collection of essays by Marilyn Gardner, an adult third culture kid, called Between Worlds. This book has brought tears to my eyes more times than I can count, and while I first read about it on an expat blog about a year ago, now is the time when I needed to read it, and I'm glad that God orchestrated that timing. As I've read, I've highlighted so many passages that I fear that as I try to look back over the most important advice that I need to reference, I will feel that I'm reading the entire book over again!

You might remember that Eric and I have already done a fair amount of reading and studying about third culture kids (TCKs), but when we began almost five years ago, we were thinking about it mostly in terms of our students or possibly what our kids would become. Now, we are deep into life with our TCKs and trying to figure out how to prepare them for life in a country that doesn't feel like home. Repatriation is a whole new ball game.

Among those many highlighted passages, one in particular stopped me in my tracks. I immediately had to put the book down, so that I could write out this quote from Nina Sachel. Because this is something I'm going to need to remember when Kennedy is having another one of her emotional days. When I can't possibly understand what she's thinking or feeling, I need to listen. Because she has stories to tell, stories that she's afraid to tell at school or to her peers for fear that she'll alienate them. For fear that they won't understand. For fear they'll think she's bragging when all she really wants to do is talk about her life.

              "So when she comes to you, don't ask her where she's from, or what's troubling her. Ask her where she's lived. Ask her what she's left behind. Open doors. And just listen. Give her the time, space, and permission she needs to remember and to mourn. She has a story -- many stories. And she needs and deserves to be heard, and to be healed, and to be whole."

I think the most interesting thing I've learned reading this book is how little I understand the perspective of my kids. Of course, we have all dealt with loss and struggled with identity, but reading a book written by an adult TCK who is raising TCKs has shown me just how big the gap is between our experiences. Eric and I will always feel--in some way--at home when in the States. It's the place where we can go where we understand expectations, language, and food. And our kids will never feel as comfortable there as we do. That's the part that I can't quite wrap my mind around.

The title of the book, Between Worlds refers to the place where TCKs feel most comfortable. They don't truly fit in in any country--not their passport country, nor the country which they've called home. They feel most comfortable in between--packing suitcases, hanging in airports, flying at 30,000 feet and within the four walls of whatever home we have created--the place where they can talk about where they've been or where they're going. Where people understand that they don't feel American or Korean, but they feel both at the same time.

I'll never truly understand the identity crisis that we've put our children through when we turned them into TCKs, but thankfully books like this one give me a little insight, so that when my daughter--who is absolutely dreading leaving the country that she considers home--gets excited 3 months early about packing, I can embrace it. Sure, kid, if you want to put all of your precious belongings in a suitcase just to see if they fit, you go for it. "Thanks, Mom! I love packing!" 

Whidbey and a Big Kid Update

It's been another busy week, but a good one, I think. Lots of socializing, lots of playing, and lots of working. This week begins the Carlson birthday madness with Eric's birthday today. I honestly can't believe that we have another one to celebrate in October. Madness, I say. It's really time to get to work on those. Kennedy and Cade have been working on planning their birthday parties lately, and hopefully they'll start work on Reece's soon, too! (I'm only half-joking here; so far, they've come up with some pretty good ideas!)

We are welcoming fall weather right now, as daily highs are only in the low 80s and the temps at night have finally dropped into the high 50s. It's so exciting to need another layer for the morning bus stop, though it's frightening how soon winter weather follows the comfortable fall temperatures. We haven't had rain in awhile, and the humidity is starting to fall, as well. It feels so good! I haven't even turned on the air conditioning in a couple of days!

Kennedy and Cade have been loving school lately, though Kennedy is not loving the homework. This year, she has 30 minutes of math homework every day, in addition to 20 minutes of reading, and weekly spelling assignments. She really doesn't enjoy the fact that her little brothers get to play while she has to do homework. Can't really blame her.

Kennedy's teacher emailed us a couple of weeks into the school year, commenting on how impressed she is by Kennedy's writing. With the great debate that Eric and I have always had as to whether we should be more focused on writing or math with the kids, I'm feeling pretty good about that. I think I'm winning! I am so glad that she enjoys reading and writing so much.

The first email that we got from Cade's teacher wasn't quite as specific, as he hadn't had time to gauge many of Cade's skills yet. He basically said something to the effect of "Cade's reading seems on target." In other words, nothing too spectacular, but nothing to be worried about, right? Eric and I chatted a bit about this and the fact that at some point, Cade would have to even out among his peers in terms of reading. I mean, no one looks at an adult who can read and comprehend and says, "wow, he's a really good reader." Nonetheless, I was a little surprised that it had happened so quickly.

Well, about a week later, I had an in-person conversation with his teacher at open house, and he commented on what a great reader Cade is. I laughed a bit and was honest with him that we'd thought based on his earlier email that Cade had averaged out among his peers. He laughed and said that he just hadn't had a chance to assess him yet but that it will probably be a couple more years before Cade is just an average reader. Reading (and spelling) certainly have come easily to this kid! (Bike riding...not so much!)

Cade finally got to upgrade his bike this week (the one we got last spring from friends was too small for him), and it inspired him to lose the training wheels. He had a rough start, but after a couple of days he had it down. We're hoping for another family bike ride this weekend, since Eric's games are cancelled.

The kids have also really loved hanging out with our friends who live in our new apartment complex. They love to check out the playground through the window to see who is outside playing, and we love that they're old enough that we can send them down to play by themselves. I really had no idea how much moving apartments would improve our quality of life. It's been a game-changer.

The benefit of putting off our week on Whidbey Island this year was the fact that the kids got to bring their bikes out there, so they were able to ride around the neighborhood and up to the pool with their cousins. We tried hard at that time to get Cade to take off his training wheels, but he wasn't having it. Next summer, he should be able to keep up with everybody a little better. Just another one of the hazards of his TCK lifestyle--he'd never really had a bike or anywhere to ride one, so it was a little more scary to him than your average 6-year-old. Oh, the mom guilt.

I'm so grateful that they get glimpses into what our lives were like as kids during our summer trips. I know that there are many expat families around the world who don't have the time or money to get to spend a month in their passport country every year, so we're so thankful for that opportunity. Even when kids are tired and cranky. Even when they won't touch a clam. Even when they feel like the outsider because they don't know how to ride a bike. It's just a part of our lives now.

The weather was so ridiculously nice this summer that I don't think I ever put on a pair of long pants. It was the first time I'd been out at the cabin when it was really hot, and for once, a swim in the Sound was not unthinkable! I actually hoped to fall off the paddle board when it got too warm!

We spent our days lounging on the beach or at the pool before putting together huge, delicious dinners in the evening. I probably gained about 10 pounds in the five days we were out there! Evenings were spent around the campfire, capturing the sunset, looking at the stars, roasting marshmallows, and playing rousing games of Heads Up. Only another nine months until we'll be back there!

And now, I'd better get some work done because no part of today has gone as planned, and I have yet to figure out how everything is going to get accomplished...

Spring in Seoul

Blogging is not too high on the list of priorities these days, I have to admit. Once Eric's aunt and cousin left, it was time to start packing (I'm really glad that Eric wouldn't let me start before they got here, because the piles of boxes everywhere are so irritating!). There's so much going on these days that I'm always feeling like I have just enough time to get started and never enough time to finish anything.

This week was Cade's last Kindergarten field trip. (How did that happen so fast??) The 8th Grade Gala and Junior/Senior Banquet are tonight. Concerts and parties next week, followed by the last day of school and Kindergarten graduation the next week. We seem to have big (or small) events nearly every day for these last few weeks, and of course, lots of double-bookings to keep us on our toes!

This week begins the extended farewells with a ladies' brunch on Saturday and the school farewell picnic on Sunday (the new admin are making big changes to our usual traditions!). This is, of course, the time of year that expats hate the most. Time to say goodbye again. Poor Kennedy has spent much of the week in tears over friends that are leaving, and it's just so hard for us to know what to do for her, having never experienced loss the way she does every single year.

So, we just keep going to the events. We help them make the memories, try to document them when we can, and know that a year from now, it will be someone else causing the tears. Quite possibly someone we haven't even met yet.

Aside from the tearful goodbyes this time of year, we do enjoy the weather. It's been in the 70s-80s for the past few weeks, and when we've had the free time, we've gotten out to enjoy it!

The weekend before Michael and Nancy arrived, we took the kids on an impromptu trip to the park on a Sunday afternoon. Unfortunately, everyone else had decided to do the same thing, and by the time we'd parked (I waited in line for nearly an hour and after driving to a second park!), and the kids had played for 20 minutes, it was time to head home and figure out dinner. We do our best, though.

The first set of pictures here is from about a month ago when the cherry blossoms were in bloom, and then the second set is from 2 weeks ago when the azaleas were in bloom. Now, we have roses.

I really should head off to do some packing, and I still have baking to do for brunch tomorrow, but the baby just woke up, and he's going to be hungry, so those things will have to wait!

And for those people WHO are more concerned about my grammar and word choice than my blog content, just know that I haven't had time to proofread a blog post before posting it in about 2 years, and I doubt that's going to change any time soon. So, you can either embarrass yourself by publicly complaining about my grammar, or you can find something else to entertain yourself. Ain't nobody got time for that.

It's June!

The goodbyes this time of year are always abundant and emotional. On Wednesday after school, I watched many tearful goodbyes of both parents and students in the lobby, but the last day of school for us is okay because we don't have to say the goodbyes for a couple more days. Today was that day for our staff.

Honestly, I don't have much left to say at this point, so I thought I would just share this video put together by and featuring many of our staff and students. It's just a glimpse into June for an expat, and I watched it with tears streaming down my face, but I am full of hormones these days!

TCKs in Transition from Ross Williamson on Vimeo.

If you are looking for resources on helping expats or TCKs with the many transitions that they go through (moving on, traveling, being left behind, or repatriating), The Culture Blend is a great resource!

Our "Halloween"

The quotes on that one are purposeful. Our "Halloween" wasn't a real Halloween at all, but we did have Korean-preschool and Christian-international-school-that-doesn't-celebrate-Halloween versions of Halloween.

About a week and half before Halloween (I have no idea how they decide on dates for these things), Cade had a Halloween party at school. He got to wear a costume, bring candy, and come home with loads of candy. I suppose it's no surprise that he didn't really relay the details of what actually happened at school.

This year, I was smart, planned ahead, and asked friends to borrow a costume for my Batman-obsessed little boy. He was beyond thrilled that someone actually had a Batman costume that he could wear. So was I!

Every month, our school has a dress up day in the elementary school. Most of the time, it's kind of a headache for me. Korean culture dress up day--yeah, we don't have a hanbok. I guess we should get one. Hangul day--no, she doesn't own anything with Korean writing on it--if she did, she'd probably have worn it for Korean culture dress day.

We were able to throw together something for the country dress up day. We've got jeans, boots, and flannel. We struggle with many of the other days throughout the year, though. We just don't have much stuff around here, nor do we want to collect it.

The week of Halloween, though, she had decades dress up day. That we can do. No, we don't have leg warmers or neon shoe laces. We were able to throw together some leggings, skirt, and a tutu (courtesy of Aunt Jen)--it's nice that much of this has come back. If we just throw together all of the neon clothing items she owns, then we can do 80s day!

That was the extent of our Halloween for this year. Last year we got the chance to go on base and go trick or treating with our friends. We weren't invited to do that this year, but the kids handled it pretty well. I certainly don't miss the candy or the walking around in the cold, but there's a hefty load of mom guilt that comes with watching your kids miss out on a holiday tradition that they enjoy.

This little balloon that Cade brought home from preschool was as close as we got to jack-o-lanterns. There are no big, orange pumpkins in Korea. The closest we get are little, green squash. I can cook them and use it the same way that I would pumpkin puree. They also meet my need for having some fall decorations in the house, but they really aren't big enough for carving. And they certainly aren't orange.

It is just the start of this season where things just aren't the same, but I think Halloween is one of the hardest. Not because it's my favorite holiday or anything, but just because it's so hard to adjust to make it fit here. I think I took it harder than the kids, though. My TCKs adjust pretty well these days, and I'm thankful for that.

Seoul Forest Field Trip

Kennedy's class went on a field trip to Seoul Forest a few weeks ago. Her last field trip of Kindergarten. I can't believe she's a first grader now!

There's something very awkward about going on field trips with a bunch of Korean moms. They all talk amongst themselves in Korean and then every once in a while look in my direction. One might ask me a question in English, and then they turn back to the others, speaking in Korean again. 

Thankfully, one or two of the other white, English-speaking moms usually come along, too. There are a couple of Embassy moms and another YISS mom that usually make it.

I'm also grateful that the Kinder teachers never mind that I have to bring Cade along because he loves these trips!

Kennedy hadn't been back to Seoul Forest since the first month that we were here. The first time we went one of the staff families took us. But, we were never able to figure out how to get back using public transportation. This time when we went, that same girl was a part of our "family," as the Kindergarteners wrapped up their family unit by going to the park for a picnic.

Sadly, Kellyn, who was one of the first kids Kennedy met here, is moving to Malaysia next year where her dad will be starting a new school. She has only lived in Korea, so she is a little nervous and not too excited for the move. Kennedy is not too excited to be losing one of her friends, either.

She already knows that she will probably never see Kellyn again, and I can't argue with her. Unless they come back here to visit, it is unlikely. Sometimes it's so hard to see her go through this again and again, especially when I see how hard she works to make and maintain friendships.

But then I see the way she deals with change. Change in countries, homes, and foods, and I know that in spite of the struggles, she will be fine. She's a TCK, and she will adjust, and I'm so grateful for that!

We've had a great first few days in the States. The flights were good to us. Somehow, they keep getting easier. Even though, for this flight, I hadn't brought any of their normal "creature comforts," the kids still did a great job.

We didn't have any delays this trip, either, which made life much easier.

So far, we've seen Eric's mom and few aunts and uncles and cousins. I'm excited to see my dad and brother in a couple of days when we head north.

Of course, it's a little chilly here in Western WA; it's hard to believe that a week ago I was a bit relieved to be leaving the 85 degree weather of Seoul. But, it's warmer than it was this time last year when we arrived, so we're thankful for that, and we're having fun regardless of the weather!

Kindergarten Graduation

I had just a few (hundred) photos to edit after Kennedy's graduation. And then, of course, there was a flight across the world. We've been here for a couple of days now, though, and things are starting to slow down. I think we're finally able to relax now! Which means I finally got a few pictures edited!

As I've told you, we had a busy day the day of her graduation, so it was a struggle to get out the door on time. Thankfully, Kennedy and I made it to school with just enough time to take a few pictures before she needed to be inside.

Of course, she was embarrassed by the fact that her mother kept taking pictures of her, even though every other parent was taking pictures of their child, as well.

We got a few shots of the staff kids together as a group. They're so cute!

The ceremony, itself, was amazing. These kids had been practicing for months, and they had songs to sing and dances to perform. They were so cute and did such a good job!

 

They even did a flash mob (a surprise dance in the middle of something else) that was a copycat version of one that the staff did in the middle of one of the assemblies the elementary school did this past spring. They had little shirts on under their gowns and everything. It was the cutest thing!

 



After the ceremony, we took several more pictures. The one below is of Kennedy with her teacher this year.

The above picture is of Kennedy with her TCK "aunties." The day before her graduation, Kennedy realized what I feared that she would--that she didn't have any family coming to her graduation. After a few text messages, Kennedy was happy to hear that she had a couple of people coming just to see her. Growing up as TCKs themselves, they understood her meltdown perfectly, and were more than happy to step in. I was so happy, I cried again!

 

 

Eric wanted a shot with the other dads and their daughters. The one in the middle is moving to Malaysia this summer, and the one on the right is one of Eric's good friends who plays baseball with him. 

 

I managed to hand off my camera, so that I could get one shot of the four of us. The automatic settings didn't work perfectly, but it's better than nothing!

We are so proud of our little girl as she makes the move into 1st grade! It was such a fun night to celebrate all that she accomplished this year!