A Letter to Me

I wrote the following post back in February. I wasn't sure that it would ever be something I would publish, but I knew that I needed to reflect a bit on what I was thinking that morning. I decided that I would publish it, so that I have a record of it, so it's not lost in the abyss. It's a bit different than my typical posts, so bare with me. And it's embellished with phone pictures that have little to do with the post itself!

A letter to me. On the day I found out I was pregnant. With my third.

this morning i took a pregnancy test. this is the first time that i've ever taken one, pretty sure that it would be positive, that eric didn't know about. every other time, i've been pretty vocal with him about my fears or suspicions. he was right there when i took it with kennedy. with cade, we pretty much already knew, but i remember the test sat on the counter for a few days before i finally did something with it.

what do you do with a positive pregnancy test? a stick you've peed on? this time, i took it, put it back in the box and stuck it in a drawer. when do i tell him? how do i tell him? i've never been creative about this, so this time i'm determined. we're going to do it all right this time.

the strange thing is that every other time i've suspected or thought pregnancy may have been a possibility in the last few years, i've been mad. this isn't what we've been planning. cade turns five this week. eric has been banking on the fact that next year is it. the year both kids are in school, i can work full time, it will all get easier, we will make more money. we've been the reliable ones. no plans to upset the whole system once you've been free of diapers for more than two years. one morning this week, though, i woke up and thought what if we did have another baby? would that be wrong? would people think we're irresponsible? what if i was happy about it? it was so strange. that is about the furthest from what i've been thinking over the past couple of years. over the next few days, as i waited for my period to begin, i kept going back and forth between being excited and being scared when it still hadn't started.

i came home yesterday determined to take a test, and i dug out one of the ones i'd bought years ago and brought with us. i used to buy them at the dollar store because i've gotten pregnant so easily in the past, that it was peace of mind for me to have a stash under the bathroom counter. (yes, i have taken a couple of negative tests as well.) this test expired a couple of years ago. does that invalidate the results? i guess we'll have to see.

and that brings me to my next fear. having this child in Korea. i still haven't been to a doctor here; i certainly don't want to have to start going once a month. and deliver here? in these hospitals? i had not planned on this. it certainly will be an adventure!

while this is the only thing on my mind right now, i still have classes to teach, students' questions to answer, and soccer practice to run this week, so i'm going to have to figure out how to concentrate on something other than this bean growing inside me. i've got essays to grade. (speaking of essays, am I going to be an official stay-at-home mom next year? can i really work with this jellybean coming so early in the school year? we were finally free of the childcare hassle--i can't imagine putting myself or an infant through it. eric's not going to happy about that part.) and now, I'm off to class. to try to pretend like i didn't just find out that i'm pregnant. to talk about Indian literature with my students like i actually care about it.